Faulty Bagnoses
Trude sobbingly threw herself in the arms of Animal. "Thorsten ditched me!" "Why? What? Where?" "He said, every time we kiss he has to think of the proboscis monkeys in the zoo! Is my nose really that long?" she cried.
Animal fetched a ruler and measured Trude's nose. "Cud dad out!" "Exactly two and a half gromek? But is that long? Hey Trude, I have an idea! I go through our apartment building and measure all noses, then we'll know for sure!" Trude, who stopped sobbing when trying to visualize that and even had to giggle a bit, said: "I doubt our neighbors will appreciate you going on a nose measurement spree!" "Well, there from where I come from we got the Big Nose Festival on the umptieth of May, all noses get measured, everyone gets a giant piece of cake and the one with the longest nose may blow out the candle!" "Animal, you made that up again! You don't even have a nose!" "Bother, no, all true!" "Not a teeny weeny swindling?" "OK, OK, the candle was a lie, because there from where I come from nobody cares for nose sizes!"
Trude, whose tears meanwhile had dried up, coyly asked: "Animal, there from where I come from, do you have a girlfriend?" "No." "Why?" "I don't wan't to tell..." "Pull yourself together!" "No laughing!" "Cross my heart!"
"So, there from where I come from, there are boys and girls..." "Just like us!" "...but the girls are far greater and stronger! And when they especially like themselves, then they do the ritual of 'dojo..." "Then the bees and flowers come..." Trude giggled. "No, we have no things like bees there from where I come from. So, the girl asks the boy to lick her 'uke, and then she roars and squirms and throws all fours into the air, and the boy pushes his 'tori into her, and two years later a new animal is born." "Still sounds a lot like us." "Really? Because if the girl is not satisfied with the licking, she bites off the boy's head. And I was afraid." Trude worked hard not to succumb to a roar of laughter, a promise was a promise. "So, there from where *I* come from no girl will bite off the boy's head, especially when he will lick her 'uke, which is rather not the rule." A strange urge rose in Trude. Animal was such a cuddly teddybear..."Animal, do you want to lick my 'uke?" "Do you promise to notnotnot bite off my head?" Trude showed her teeth. "Animal, my mouth is not even able to chow you an ear off, if you had ears, that is! And I need a ladder! Come into the sleeping room..." Trude undressed, Animal of course didn't have to. "Now this is funny. There from where I come from an 'uke looks quite the same, only larger. Assuming I lick you at the same place..." Trude roared and squirmed and threw all fours into the air. Animal was a natural. In a minute, she nearly passed out with lust. Possibly she would have run away screaming when Animal's 'tori raised to full size. Thus she just squealed when Animal pulled her firmly against his body and filled her 'uke completely with a single thrust. A second later she was orgasming. Her pulsating 'uke took Animal's 'tori in a vice grip. Animal screamed with lust and his 'tori flooded Trude like a tsunami. (Of course neither of them cared to think of contraception, but they were different species anyway.) Animal dropped exhaustedly, Trude lost consciousness.
"Trude? Trude? Did I hurt you? Trude!" "Ooooh! You can raise the dead with your shouting! No, do you know if you eat five ice cones quickly and suddenly your head hurts?" "Oh yeah, I know! Brainfreeze!" "Well, something similar. See? I'm already standing again. And want another round! Come, start licking again!"
They continued for a few hours. (Animal was already fully erect. Animal was...a bed animal.) Different positions were tried ("Animal, I better always be on top or you will flatten me!") and Trude, who got licked will-less, tried a blowjob in return (which only lead to her almost suffocating and then almost drowning - the practice was deleted from the Safer Sex list), until, after 239 orgasms...
"There from where I come from 'dojo takes about three hours...but we now are at it for six hours and I need a rest!" "Keep on licking or I bite your head off!" Trude's screams could be heard in the whole house. Then she finally fell into a deep sleep. A neighbor murmured: "Good grief. Now Animal finally ate her." Animal, in the mean time, tiptoed away to Ali's Railway-Station Fastfood Stand and ate up his complete hotdog reserve.
"There from where I come from," Ali whispered confidentially, "unsatiable dames get a vibrator as a birthday gift. Ask in the sexshop just across, and better take the jumbo-sized."
The End