Script for a B X movie
The Sign: Absolutely NO Swimming! AND WE MEAN IT!
Tom: "Last one in the water is an old granma!" He pulls down his undertrousers and throws them at Harry's head, who ducks and purses his lips.
Vanna: "But the sign...Chris rumored something about radioactive dumps here..."
Harry: "Ah, you sissies! Can you see any radioactivity here?" He topples over a shell. A twelve-legged crab under it runs into the water panically. "And think about it, noone will surprise us here pants down because noone ever comes here! BANZAI!" He throws off his pants too and takes a dive. There is nothing special about the penis size of Tom and Harry, so much for old prejudices.
Gina reluctantly strips off her bikini, showing her assets.
Harry and Tom do the Tex Avery Big Bad Wolf Routine. "A-UUUUU!" "AU-AU-AU-UUUU!"
Vanna: "Hey, mine are even bigger!" She strips off her clothes. Hers are even bigger. Gina and Vanna splash into the water too.
Vanna to Gina: "First one at the buoy out there may fuck them both!" Gina to Vanna: "Forget it, nympho!" Both start a crawl race, while Tom and Harry are playing cheerleader with obscene comments.
Tom: "Gina has the better aerodynamics!" Harry: "That's hydrostatics, dummy!" Tom and Harry: "Is!" "Isn't!" "Is!" "Isn't!"
Violins: (announce the usual impending desaster)
At the buoy something is stirring in the water. Something big raises its ugly head.
Tom: "A shark! Get the fuck out!"
Harry: "No, its...its..."
Vanna and Gina: "OHMYGOD!"
Raises its ugly dickhead, as you might have guessed already. A five meter penis erects out of the water. The clueless youth swims for their lives. Harry and Tom reach the shore. Vanna is too slow due to her bad Reynolds number. Nah, not Burt, dummy. Flunked Fluid Dynamics 101A, eh?
Dick of Doom: The urethra opens and catches Vannas feet. Vanna screams, splashing helplessly in the water. Slowly, she is sucked in by the penistaltic.Yeah, I know. Her breasts are squeezed as the Dick of Doom has some problems to get them in. Her screams won't stop until finally her head vanishes with an obscene slurp.
Harry starts the motor. Tom jumps in and slams the door.
Gina: "Wait for me, you bastards!" She barely makes it to the shore, as the Dick of Doom, two meters behind her, is slowed down by devouring its first victim.
Tom: "Step on it!" Harry lets the rubber squeal and heads for the hills.
Gina runs across the strand. On land, she is much faster than the Dick of Doom, who can just waddle on his balls. In the left one, you can make out some struggling victim when you look closely. But just when we think Gina can make it...
Dick of Doom: Splorch! A big ejaculation shoots out of the Dick of Doom. The cumshot hits Gina right on from above. She is caught in the sticky goo. Helplessly, she is glued to the ground, watching the Dick of Doom coming near. Gina: "NO! NOOOO!"
Dick of Doom: SLURP! The head bows down and Gina vanishes to the waist. As the dickhead erects up again, her feet pedal in the air, so that the viewer gets a nice look at her pussy. Then she has vanished too. A bit later you can see something squirming in the right ball.
BLACKOUT. Cut to two bare-assed Tom and Harry leaning
against their car, held up by Speed Control and trying to explain
their little mishap. Naturally, the credibility of their story is zilch.
Good Cop: struck with laughter. "Oh yeah, I can see it in the Surf Tattler. Dick of Doom loose on Wad Beach! Youth barely save their backsides! " He slams with his fists on the police car, short before collapsing.
Bad Cop: handcuffs the delinquents. "You have the right to shut up! Thirty miles over the limit! Indecent exposure! Not respecting the authority of a police officer by telling cock and bull stories!!" For every misdemeanor listed, he slaps the delinquents over the ass with his baton.
Good Cop: "Cock and Bull!" He gets another cramp of laughter. "Hey Sledge, cock MUHAHAHA and bull technically isn't a crime!"
Bad Cop: "Awww John, you are so anal retentive about laws...."
The repentful youth is loaded into the police car.
Cut to the precinct, meanwhile night has fallen. Bad Cop is
throwing Tom and Harry into the cell. "Brats!" He slams the door.
Good Cop hands them in some ersatz clothes.
The phone rings.
Bad Cop picks up the phone. "Sixth Precinct, Officer Anvil...yes... What?...At the next drug party, I guess!...Now listen closely: If we send a police car each time some daughter didn't return home at night, we wouldn't have enough staff to chase the gangsters!...Me too!" He slams the receiver.
Good Cop: "Some worried parent?" Bad Cop: "Are we babysitters or cops?"
The phone rings again. Bad Cop: "Your turn!" Good Cop: "Sixth Precinct, Officer McLaren...So your daughter Gina is missing..." Bad Cop: "Ha, ten seconds before her name was Vanna!" Good Cop: "We'll investigate, please hold the line for a minute..." He puts the phone down and rubs his nose. "Say, didn't our two guys mention that the name of the Dick of Doom victims where Vanna and Gina?"
Bad Cop: goes to the cell and wakes Tom and Harry with a roaring "Get up, punks! The kid gloves are off! Now it's date rape and murder too!"
Good Cop: "...so Vanna is the neighbor girl...yes, we are on the case...don't panic, seems nothing more like their unreliable boyfriends making a French leave with their car and leaving them alone on the beach... surely just a joke to scare them...We'll pick them up...Bye!"
Bad Cop: "Come on, you clowns, show us where you have left them! Maybe the judge will spare you the chair!"
Good Cop: "I have a bad feeling on this. I remember when Egon from the tabloid phoned me, said his kid Chris heard some rumors about radioactive dumps on the beach...He went on the case and since a week, he wasn't seen again..."
Bad Cop: "Yeah, like the Twat of Terror ate him, I bet!"
They arrive on the beach and search it with their big flashlights.
Bad Cop steps into something and looks down. "Bleech, a smell like a whale wanked off!"
Good Cop shines with his lamp. "Now what IS that stuff? And there, some track leading to the sea...bumps...what could have made these?" He takes samples for the lab. "We can't do anything further here. But Tom and Harry were right, something fishy DID happen."
Bad Cop: "Aw, you watched too many X-Files! I say they are guilty as fuck!"
BLACKOUT as we see the headlights of the policecar driving back to town getting smaller.
Stay put while you are waiting for the second part of
Penis of Peril!
Oops, no, it was Cock of Catastrophe!
Uhm, Gruesome Genital?
BLACKOUT. Subjective Camera. You see through the eyes of
someone who got a whack over the head lately. Slowly, the blur begins
to clear. View on Villainess caressing her pussy. No, a real
pussy. ACME Villain Pussy. Never seen 007? A sign on the glass
door of the office room reads, in mirrored letters:
"rekaewT anaiD .forP OEC - .dtL orgussiT".
Villainess: "Oh, our nosy reporter finally has awoken. Looking for something special?" A Security Gorilla on the left is grinning, swinging his club.
Egon: "You won't get away with this!" He is tied to a chair and struggles, to no avail.
Villainess: "You won't get away with this! Yaddayaddayadda! Oh, such an unhackneyed opening! So, where is your army?"
Egon: "An army of Greenpeace fighters with Geiger counters! Do you think you can pollute Wad Beach without anyone noticing?"
Villainess: "I see your brain isn't working properly yet. Wolf, did you really have to hit him so hard?" The Security Gorilla swings his club and grins. Evidently his repertoire of actions is limited.
Villainess: "Let's see if I still have my abilities from my days as a teacher for Oxford University. So our company is a...a..."
Egon: "Flock of Biotech crazies tampering with Nature!"
Villainess: "Which involves radioactivity as...as..."
Egon: "Agent for producing heinous mutations!"
Villainess: "Well, this answer gives you a C. In priciple you are correct. But the preparate needed to load our (snicker) Death Ray Gun will fit in a handbag which you can even wear without fearing to become the Monster of the Black Lagoon, licketysplit. So, no Chernobyl outside. Your army will make a big ass out of themselves when they go to the authorities."
Villainess: "So we do have our little company secrets, everything that scares off the rubes is of help, right? Like well-tossed rumors of radioactivity. We don't want to tell the world yet what can be grown from tissue cells by the correct treatment. And we don't like reporters snooping around." She gives the Security Gorilla a wink who draws a gun and screws a silencer on it. Egon: (panicked) "You...are going to off me...just because..."
Villainess: "Never read No Logo? I tell you something if you promise to keep it to you (snicker), any company above a certain size will have a section specialized just on murder and other helpful crimes..."
Egon: (shouting) "You...abomination! You are a pretty woman who should have married and grown up kids instead of leading a company of crimes against humanity!"
The Villainess jolly face turns into a hateful stare. Egon has hit a nerve. "I'd intended a clean bullet for you, but for that, you male chauvinist pig, you will die properly. Wolf, introduce him to our special lady."
The Security Gorilla unties Egon, grabs him by the collar and totes him to a dungeon. Egon hammers with his fists on his chest but Wolf doesn't even notice. Then Egon is thrown into the abyss. Luckily, he lands soft enough not to break some irreparable parts. Unluckily, something comes a-slorping. Something big. Something female. Something...
Egon: "Motherfucking Mutants! Egad! It's a giant cunt!"
BLACKOUT as the giant cunt opens her labiae for the final embrace.
Will we see the third part of "Muffdiving Mayhem"? Eh no, "Cunnilingus Karate"? This isn't funny anymore -
Villainess: (hears the door open) "Wolf, there are two police
officers at the front door. Give them the usual visitors tour."
(grumbles to herself) "I thought I had a deal with the mayor that we
would be exempt of such disturbances..."
Egon: (waves his new gun which he can't handle anyway, but Diana doesn't know that) "Seems that your little company just encountered a hostile takeover! Now you stick your hands up, come with me and let the law in to mop up this Frankenstein castle!"
Villainess: "Over my dead body! I will set all creatures free!"
Being the usual B movie villainess and in a desperate situation, she hits the self destruct switch.
Cut. Outside the cops John and Sledge are still waiting
Tank labeled Isotonic NaCl Solution: KA-BOOM! No, I haven't flunked Chemistry 101A. In a B movie, if it's chemistry, it *will* explode, regardless of the value of DG.
Bad Cop: (pulls John down to cover) "Rats! Somebody already goes eliminating the evidence!"
Another explosion rips a hole in the ground. A myriad of little tits come jumping out, ready to attack.
Bad Cop: "Shit, we are booby-trapped! John, go in and save the innocents while I deal with these silicone rejects!" He empties his magazine. The tits die with little squeals, but still more stream from the hole.
Good Cop: (kicks in the front door. More explosions.)
Back Cut into the building. Diana flees through the ACME Secret Escape Hatch. Egon is reluctant whether to follow when John storms in.
Good Cop: "Egon, you are still alive?"
Egon: "Get after the bitch! She's responsible!"
Good Cop: "Forget about her, the place is blowing into orbit! We can deal with her later! Get out!"
Egon and John run through the building which is burning at all edges. Crashing steel girders miss them decoratively. Both barely make it out of the front door where they find...
Bad Cop: (broken voice) "Bugger. Got creamed."
Sledge lies bruised and battered in a giant heap of stomped tits. He mutters: "Just a day before my retire..." and dies.
Good Cop: "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" He shoots a few tits that escaped the massacre.
Fire Brigade: WAIIIIIIIL! There is not much to save, the complex and the isotonic NaCl solution being burnt to cinders.
So our villainess has escaped to rebuild her business on the other coast of the U.S.A.? Wait for the shocking conclusion of Vulva of Vengeance...ah forget it.
Nightfall. Good Cop has called Military Reinforcements and searchs
the surroundings of the burnt down facility.
Good Cop: (has found the secret cave) "Everybody on the alert!"
Military Reinforcement is entering with heavy weapons.
Good Cop: "What the...?" Around the corner, his flashlight shines on the Dick of Doom and the Twat of Terror, interlocked for eternity. Both don't move anymore.
Good Cop: "Thank Heavens! The bastards fucked each other to death!"
Some stray bladders jump around, looking pissed. Military Reinforcement blows them up. A scientist dissect the deceased genitals and finds the remains of Diana. Military Captain: "BLEECH! I'm gonna get sick...OK, men, mine the cave, and then everybody outside. Let's blow this mother skyhigh!"
Scientist: "But..." He sees research opportunity.
Military Captain: "Shaddap! You can play God again when we are back home!"
The Cave: WOOOOMMMM! Dust settles.
Military Captain: (blows imaginary gun) "Case closed."
Good Cop: "Well, not quite. Tomorrow I will get some orders of arrest for some certain corrupt politicians. Good night everybody." Yawning, the mop-up team scatters. A heavily charred cat looks out of a hole in the ground and asks: "Meow?
Blackout. Cut to the underwater cave. Luckily for Vanna and Gina, even
freak spermatozoids are short-lived outside the body, so they aren't hog-tied anymore.
Unluckily, they look like twelve months pregnant. Slowly, they follow the winded cave
walls leading to the surface.
Gina: (wails) "I want an abortion!"
Vanna: "In Rhode Island?"
In the distant, they see the glowing debris of the facility and secret cave. Vanna: "We made it!"
Gina: UUUUUH! Suddenly the woes of labor befall her.
Vanna: NNNNNGH! She drops down next to Gina.
Vanna and Gina: AAAAH! Both girls are in the throes of birth. Hundreds of tiny Dick of Doom replicas come a-squirming out of their pussies and scatter in all directions.
Vanna: "Must...warn..." But the girls are completely exhausted and fall unconscious.
Darkest night. Cut to dim-lit buildings. Camera goes inside.
Something is moving on the floor. Several minidicks enter the bed and aim straight for their next victim.
Mayor: Chrwhatthe... He awakes and sees the strange creatures that enjoy themselves with his wife.
Mayor: "Buggering hell!" He runs to the closet and grabs for the shotgun. "Get the fuck out of my Martha!" Two minidicks are standing on the floor and seem to grin. The Mayor carefully aims the barrels at them. Just as he pulls the trigger, each minidick jumps into the barrel and blocks it. Shotgun: CO-BAING! The shotgun backfires, saving the Good Cop one walk to the judge. Martha awakes from the noise and finds herself being screwed. She opens her mouth to scream, but this gives the minidicks just another orifice to have fun with. Then she orgasms. As her love juice flow, the minidicks feed on it and grow fast.
Cut as the camera drives along a row of bungalows. Each time it passes a sleeping room, the noise of female orgasms get louder.
Don't miss the sequel, coming to your cinema in...yeah right, as if I'd write one.