Joining the Ranks of the Dead

By Hedonism

This story is a fanfic to Dungeon Keeper 2.

* * * * * * * * * *

January looked despondently out of the bars of her prison. To her horror, a skeleton stood next to her, stock still, it's bones an off-white. Its bones were strapped together, but there was no reason for it being stood up and not lying limp on the floor. Its left hand clutched a long, curved sword; it's right loosely gripped a spherical, battered shield.

"What are you in for?" she asked. To her surprise and faint horror she got a reply.

"I'm here until I'm needed," it said, with a surprisingly strong voice. "You don't look like you should be down here. Are you a peasant?"

January nodded, slowly. It wasn't the nicest of terms.

"The floor caved in while I was having dinner. I... My children are not here. I want to see them."

The skeleton nodded. January realised that she was hungrier than before. It was only five minutes, and now she was ravenous. And she looked thinner. The skeleton grabbed a squat creature, one of the Imp-things that perpetually ran around the dungeon.

"Where are the human's babies?" It asked.

"Room 34T child 1 located in square 1A child 2 located in square 2C Now child 1 has crawled into 3C Tracy the Mistress is looking after them Is there anything else you need to know as I have to go to extend Corridor 13 to four more cubes in length."

The Imp's method of talking was strange as his body - each word was evenly paced and fast. His only pause was at the end, where he waited patiently for the skeleton to react. It did, by dropping the Imp. It landed and sped off immediately as if it had landed on a chute.

January looked along the corridor to a distant hen hut. A solitary chicken strutted towards the jail.

Ohhh, please come to me... she gasped, as she felt the strength in her legs give out, and she flopped to the floor. But she was worried about her kids. Even more.

"I want my kids to be safe!" she cried. Her voice was hoarse and gasping. She never felt this hungry in her life, but curiously didn't also feel sick. Her stomach seemed to be a void. She looked at her body, which looked utterly malnourished and skinny.

"Tracy the Mistress... Are they okay with her?"

"Well... she is a human, so they won't get eaten."

"Wait... a mistress? The mistress of pain?! Oh my god!"

The skeleton kneeled down next to her with a gentle rubbing of bones.

"They are nicer than you think. After all, their job is to convince the opposition to come to our side. And the Dungeon Keeper gave her those specific orders when he could have just left them crawling around. He's a pretty good evil employee like that."

"What?! He makes torture chambers! He's locked me in prison away from my children!"

The skeleton nodded.

"Well, he wants to win. By the way, he didn't make the torture chamber. Or these prisons."

The skeleton pulled away at the moss on the wall. Underneath, each brick held a symbol. A crown and a hammer.

"The bricks were made by the Dwarves of King Reginald. As is all the equipment. As is the torture chamber."

"That's horrible! My king is responsible for that?"

"Indeed. When we broke into this dungeon, all this was already kitted out. A prefab, I suppose. And this torturing thing is alright. When I was alive, I had been tortured about five times It hurts, but its point is to persuade you to join the side that's captured you. To show you who's boss. And it gives the mistresses something to do, apart from babysitting."

January looked far from convinced.

"And what's going to happen to me?"

The skeleton noticed the relief in her voice. He was very impressed with her concern for her children first and herself second.

"I'm, hungry. But I don't know why. Shouldn't it hurt more? Not... that I'm complaining... But I'm getting... too... weak to eat."

She was almost skeletal herself. Her clothes sagged from her body. She groaned faintly as cracks appeared in her skin.

"What's going to happen to you is going to happen now," said the skeleton softly.

January noticed the cracks and, alarmed, whipped her arm around to her face.

There was a loud splitting noise.

"Ick..." she said, raspingly, as the desiccated flesh flopped off gleaming bone, and from elbow to knuckles her skeleton was revealed. She brought up her other hand to put the flesh back on, but there was a nasty peeling sensation as the dried up meat on it decided to stay where it was and leave the bones it were protecting to go their own way.

January stopped moving completely. The skeleton shrugged.

"You may as well get on with it. Come out of yourself, as it were. You starved to death a few minutes ago. Congratulations, you're now a wandering monster!"

January hesitated, an extreme grimace on her face as if she had witnessed her own death and skeletonization, therefore a terribly apt expression. But her flesh was tightening up more and more, and she could feel it giving way under her clothes.

"I bet I look horrible," she said. Okay... her tongue was now loose in her very dry mouth. It probably wasn't polite to spit it out.

"Being a skeleton would be a considerable improvement," said her cellmate, honestly.

Finally, January and the skeleton started to take her out of herself. They stripped off flesh, pulled bones out of clothes and skin, and used her garments to polish off the more determined gristle. Then, as bits of her kept dropping off, the skeleton took her discarded hair and wove it together into rope, and bound her bones together in a most professional way. January wandered if he wasn't enjoying himself overmuch, helping her out of her body like this. Still, she gleamed with whiteness, cleaner now that any human could be.

A goblin, a spindly, weak but maniacal looking creature slid his hands between the cell bars and stole her old, shed skin. The skeleton suddenly grabbed the arm.

"No human jerky, Bob. Stealing from the dead is disrespectful. Pay the lady first."

Muttering, Bob lifted his helmet off, took some coins out from underneath it and handed them to January. She felt somewhat bewildered, but as a peasant she knew the value of money, even though she hardly ever had any.

"Is this the going rate?"

"Hell, I was being generous, m'lady," said the goblin. "If you grow any more of it, let me know."

As he wandered off, the new skeleton held out her hand.

"By the way," she said. "I'm January."

Her cellmate shook hands, to a slight scraping, rattling sound. He had a strong grip, and tight strapping.

"I'm Julius. And you're now free, an evil minion of the Dungeon Keeper."

"I don't feel very evil."

"You'll get into it."

"And what if I don't want to be evil? I don't feel like killing _anyone_."

Julius shrugged again. His whole ribcage followed the movement.

"So?"

"Or torturing people. Or leaping out and scaring kiddies."

"So?"

"So I'm not evil!"

"Yes you are. Don't worry about it. You're a monstrous entity of the Dungeon Keeper. You don't have to go around being _nasty_."

January tried to look puzzled, but there were no muscles on her face to scrunch up. Yet, she knew she sort-of-radiated puzzlement, like an aura.

"Welll... Being evil means, going around and, well... being evil."

"Correct."

January sighed. She could feel herself expel air from her throat as if it were still safely in her skull, not in the possession of Bob.

"I am still loyal to the King. Or what's left of me is."

"I'm impressed, considering the way he treats peasants. He treats them like peasants, I hear."

"What's the alternative? How would the Dungeon Keeper look after us, if he won?"

"He wouldn't. It would be, I believe they call it, an anarchy. But, you see, while the strongest will be on top, that's no different from now. You can probably get to do what you want. We don't need you to work."

"Then who'll be peasants? No-one would want to be-"

"The Imps. They all work, and can't stand being bored. As I said, people will do what they want. Of course, you'll have to live with monsters. And I'm afraid most don't like human xenophobia. But you're as free to hate them as they are to beat you up for wingeing at them."

"I hear the dark elves and the goblins, well, all of them hate humans."

"Then under the Dungeon Keeper, you will be free to hate each other, as equals."

"That sounds like anarchy!"

Julius nodded.

"But then I know the trolls can make tools for peasants that are better quality than the steel in the king's swords. And the Dark Elves' knowledge of medicines are almost as good as their knowledge of poisons. But they both envy a human's aptitude for versatility, knowledge and magic. I've been around for long enough to see how different creatures will complain and winge at each other for days on end, then protect each other in battle and trade generously with each other. Bitchiness is almost as good as the benefits both species will enjoy by having each other as allies."

"So you're seriously telling me that life will be better with skeletons and vampires and thieves and things roaming the countryside?!"

"Well.. Yes. Or at least, no worse. We skeletons eat nothing and have no reason to attack you. Vampires drink blood, but they don't need to kill their prey. And they were both humans once. While other monsters make great soldiers, quite capable of defending you lot against, well, monsters."

"Well... Fine. Can you take me to my children? Please?"

The torture room was on the way to the treasure room / playpen. Thankfully empty, they cut through it quickly. But before they could reach the other side a battered white knight appeared, dangling in the air, clutched by a massive, disembodied hand. He was dropped onto a slowly rotating wheel, and clamped into place. He looked thin and emaciated, until a sudden halo of light surrounded him, healed his battle wounds and filled out his body.

January just stood and gawped as the hand floated off through the dungeon brickwork like a ghost. Julius looked down at the knight as he suddenly flared into life and fought his bonds.

"He's been healed so he can endure more of the torture until he must turn to our side."

"Curse you, Keeper!" brayed the knight. His voice was incredibly, well, knightly. It sounded like a command issued by a very posh horse.

The knight tried to rise, but the table continued to keep him anchored down.

"You'll not break my resolve! My fellows are on their way, I shall soon be rescued!"

He screamed with rage, then pain as a cloud of flies descended and crept into his armour, nipping and tickling his flesh. A spitefully grinning maiden took her whip and started to remove his plates of armour. His helmet twisted to look the Maiden in the face. His eyes were slits of hatred. Then widened suddenly.

"Take of your mask, Maiden," he commanded with a now broken voice. The woman hesitated, lowered her whip.

"What?" Her voice was trapped between sultry maidenhood and a really local, grass roots peasant drawl.

"Please?"

She looked around, embarrassed. Then removed her mask. A crown of black hair cascaded down. The eyes in the helmet widened.

"By the Avatar! Mellisant? Is that you?!"

The Maiden stepped back. Then dismissed the flies with a wave of her arm and removed his helmet. An impressively knightly face was revealed.

"Adam?! My Adam!"

She swept down and embraced the knight.

"It's been so long!" he cried, voice dry with emotion.

January looked around, half expecting to see the boars of a stage under her feet and a clapping audience out in front.

"My love," the Maiden said, "You can't get up until you go evil."

The knight pondered for a moment.

"Such cruel fate, that my only, my greatest, love be on the side of evil!"

There was a dramatic silence. Either Adam was milking the moment or had forgotten his lines. Then the knight shrugged his shoulders, smiled and got up.

"Evil it is then. I thought you were lost at the Buttercup Ambush!"

She stopped him from talking with a sudden kiss, and took him by the hand to her lair.

The skeletons looked at each other.

"That was like watching a children’s play! Surely that wasn't real!"

"That's knights for you. These sorts of things just seem to happen to them. Yes, it was real."

"It wasn't just a trick to make him evil?"

"Apparently not. And no Maiden would ever dare mess with a knight's feelings if he's going to be let loose. They are rather... emotional people. Hard to get along with, difficult to torture, easy to love, Errr, apparently."

January looked at him coyly.

"Were you a male or a female?"

The skeleton grinned.

"Male. My pelvis has a smaller hole in the center, that's how you can tell whether we're a male or female.

January looked down at herself.
"You know? Now you told me that, I feel a bit more... naked."

* * * * * * * * * *

They walked into the treasure room where Tracy and the kids were. The steel door thundered upwards into it's housing and neatly arranged chests were revealed, jewels and gold glinting with an almost pyrotechnical light. They walked in... there was a squeal and they left again.

January looked back in. She wasn't sure how she should be acting here.

"I didn't think they cared for the children _that_ much. How did she know he hadn't been weaned?"

"Female skeletons only can come in. Females only!" said Tracy, with overt loudness. Her claws hung from a clothespeg. She was fulfilling the duties of a wetnurse, with an prudish look that was distinctly out-of-place on a woman who walked around in leathers all the time.

"Yes, I damn well can come in," said January." By the way, if you do anything to them that I don't approve of I'll..." She knew Maidens of Pain didn't exactly dislike torture. "I'll kill you in a very quick, boring fashion."

Tracy shifted a bit on the enormous pile of treasure.

"Ahh, you must be the mother," she said politely. "Don't worry, they are fine. All my charges are fine."

"All of them?"

"Someone has to take care of all the little kiddies," said the Maiden. "Little monsters, more than literally. Even the Keeper has a couple. Only five, and already plotting to bring down their father. He's so proud!"

January grinned. Or rather, grinned wider by tilting her head downwards. Her relief was all-encompassing.

"You'd best... continue. I don't think I have the equipment to feed them any more."

Tracy nodded.

"Ahh... You still have the right equipment to change nappies..."

* * * * * * * * * *

The biggest, darkest, most evil menagerie of monsters surrounded the battle flag just outside the tight passage that would lead upwards into the courts of King Reginald, and the sole passageway that would give the legion of evil a route to the outside world. January stood around with Julius as some of the most powerful creatures in the underworld chatted to each other.

"Why do they need _this_ passage outside, when they could just dig their way upwards?"

"because they can't just dig their way upwards. Magic keeps everyone down here - that gaping hole that was your house? We can't climb out of it."

"Ahh."

And suddenly she was on the floor, in unfamiliar but opulent surroundings. The skeleton looked up and saw the keeper's monstrous, disembodied hand float away. Everywhere but under her were white tiles, the symbols of territory owned by the Good King. Little imps ran past her and were hit by sudden magical blasts, grunting with annoyance as their attempts to destroy the tiles met with being blasted into oblivion by... looking forwards... about ten, powerful looking mages.

January stood up, carefully discarding her sword and shield. The mages looked at her and raised their arms dramatically. Golden light flickered and magic sparkled beautifully but viciously.

"Hold on! I want to see... I mean, I plead an audience with His Majesty the King!"

That seemed to get them confused. January wondered why the hell the Dungeon Keeper had transported her and her alone into the midst of his target.

"Out of the way, Hank," said a... big... voice. A big shadow extended a big hand, hauled a mage out of the way and squeezed into the now free space. His armour was the first to be revealed, and January wondered how on earth such gleaming silver could possibly have been hidden by any shadow. In each hand was a two-handed sword, and yes, both glittered with both perfect metallic sheen and profound battle magic. It was undoubtedly King Reginald, a man the size of a giant and, unfortunately, the temper of a giant.

"Your majesty," said January hoarsely, curtseying as well as someone without a dress could.

"And you are here because..." said the king. January shrugged. She had no idea.

"Uhhh... an emissary of peace?"

"Nope. Not from a Dungeon Keeper."

"Look... I was taken prisoner by them. They still have my children! I would like nothing more than you to kill them all!" she paused on that. Not all of them deserved that. Actually, not many of them at all deserved that. "I just want to come back above ground with my kids and return to your kingdom!"

"Then you shall, my dear," said the king softly. January kneeled down and sighed with thankfulness. Yet in the more cynical depths of her mind, she knew that was not the end. She detected a dramatic pause. It seemed to stretch on for an eternity. When the sword slammed down and through her, scattering her bones, she pretty much expected it. Her skull skittered to a stop in the corner, and she used her jaw to right it and look back towards the king.

"We will see to it that you are buried in the heart of the kingdom."

Well that was the end of that.

"Your majesty? I think it... might... have been diplomatic to have put a more caring tone into that last bit of phrase," said a mage.

"What can I say? I'm not one for tragic scenes."

"And if you win, your majesty. What will you do with those you beat?"

This came from January's skull. King Reginald turned around.

"When the evil ones beat your people. They take them off to the prisons, they torture them, but at least they try to recruit them. And then they become equals. I heard you pledged to bury all your foes."

The king's beard split with a nasty, unpleasant smile.

"Well... I'm not a nice guy."

"What about my children? There's a lot of fighting, and I don't want them to come to harm! Could you please, please see that they're not hurt?"

"Well... I'm not a nice guy."

He kneeled down in front of the skull. But he still towered over her.

"Your Majesty... You fight evil?"

"That's right."

"Then I hope evil wins."

"That's the spirit," he said, grinning, as far behind him a massive thunderclap and pool of inferno appeared. January inched her way around as she saw a monster, a terrible, terrible monster rise up, and up, and, out of the furnace. It smiled maliciously towards the mages, swished it's horned head and shrugged off a flurry of magical blasts. It extended a curved staff and flicked free the hellish scythe blade on it's end.

"MAGE... MAGE... MAGE... K, K, KING, ... MAGE... MAGE..."

His yellow eyes, the very definition of baleful, swivelled around the room, alighting on victims.

"AHHH, K, KING, IT IS! I'M HERE FOR YOU, YOUR MAJESTY! PREPARE TO BE K, K, K... K, K, SOD IT!"

The walls started crumbling as imps smashed away at them from the opposite side. A disembodied claw dropped the war banner into the center of the room and the whooping, snarling, baying and cursing monsters waited impatiently for the chance to reach it and do battle.

January was horrified when she saw the naked fight lust on the horned demon as he closed with the king. But on a human's face, on Reginald's, the exact same kill-smile was far more terrifying.

* * * * * * * * * *

Broken and scattered on the floor, the skeleton January saw the ultimate fight between good and evil. And the triumph of the Dungeon Keeper. His countless minions massed from the immense network of dungeons he had conquered, poured out of the gateway and settled on the land.

Julius kneeled down and, with a patient rhythm that hinted he could do this single task for all of eternity, started to put January back together. When it was finally done he helped her to her feet and checked there were no bits of her still lying around.

They walked through the empty corridors; there was a lot of action up above, a lot of people being turned out of their homes and forced to celebrate in the Evil Triumphant festivities. Down here, only the skeletons paced the corridors. Tracy, bless her black heart, was also skipping the fun up above to babysit.

"I feel like I'm supposed to have learned a lot about good and evil here, but I have no idea what."

"What, you were looking for a moral of the story? " grinned Julius.

"Welll... yes."

"When did the story start? When you woke in the cell? When the floor caved in? When you were born? Has it finished now?"

"Okay. Okay... there's no morals, there's no story."

"I think I know what you mean though. You want to have learned something about, well, the nature of evil?"

He held her hand, and walked closer to her. For the first time January had known him, he wasn't carrying his sword and shield.

"Yes, that sounds right. To us, and the king, you're... evil. To you lot, you're evil. But not the same evil. You live in pits of despair. You're chaotic, et cetera. But you're not actually all that damn evil, as we think of you. We think of you as fearful monsters."

"So do we."

"Okay, monsters is a fact. Feared, yes. But you don't actually do anything to make you feared. You don't kill any more people than us."

"Well... no."

"You don't torture anyone for fun, or steal, or whatever. At least, no more than we do."

"Nope."

"So you are evil, but not actually all that... erm... nasty."

Julius stopped and held her shoulders.

"Correct. So that means either you're lot are just as evil as us, or?"

January emanated triumph. "No wonder you're proud to be evil. It's just another name for your battle flag!"

Julius nodded solemnly.

"Good and evil's just too black and white. Some of our troops are bastards, some eat people, some are annoying, others are generous, or idiots. How's that for a moral?"

"When you say it like that... It _doesn't_ make sense."

A new voice sounded through the caverns. A mundane, factual tone.

"Then an even better moral: when you get bored of trying to get it to make sense, stop trying."

It came from the Dungeon Heart, a horrid, pulsating pit of power surrounded by traps. Out of this pit crawled a tall, strong scaly creature.

"Ummm... Are you a salamander?" asked January, slightly annoyed at this interruption. She heard a sharp intake of breath from Julius.

"No. I'm a Dungeon Keeper." He held up an arm, which had the hand missing. His immense, disembodied floating claw rushed up and extended a handshake to the skeleton. As she shook it clumsily, she noticed that apart from it's size it was an exact match of the creature's other, still attatched hand.

"Ohhell..." said January, softly.

"Don't worry, I get this all the time. Most expect an awesome monster from the pit, the others expect something really small, an ironic little pipsqueak running a massive dungeon. A mundane demon shape seems to throw both groups."

"Why, errr... you're majesty? Why, did you kill me!"

"Very to-the-point. But you're not dead. You're still wandering about."

"Well, why did you separate me from my children?!"

"Yeah, _that_ sounds like a good idea. Leave them in the cell with you. Skeleton babies give people the creeps, particularly when they still want breastfeeding. And if you were free, you'd probaby try to escape. You don't want to escape into a battleground, without being on either side, believe me."

"Why did you send me off to the king to die?!"

"You're still not dead. And I did it because you would not die. And because you're not one of my army."

January cocked her head.

"It's interesting that you didn't just decide that I was doing this to you because I'm evil. You have an open mind. And I want you to be honest, which is what none of my minions will be because I'm paying them. I want you write down all the things you happened and give it to history."

"What? All of it? The truth?"

The dungeon keeper smiled lizardishly.

"Well, I did win. So the truth sounds fine. Oh, and the final twist will be particularly cool. Get this: we will no longer be the armies of darkness, the legions of evil."

"Sir?" said Julius, stepping back, emitting surprise.

"You know how the stories go. The good guys win. And you know why they always win? Because the guys that win _become_ good. We're going to change battle standards, we're no longer going to crawl around in the darkness. We've seen the light. We're going to be the good guys!"

There was a considerable pause. The keeper tried not to waggle his eyeridges at the delivery of his concept.

"As endings go, that's okay, I suppose," said January, critically.

The keeper's smile was literally a foot long.

"Truthful. Always truthful. When you've written it up, I'll give you your baby's playpen, and all the furniture in it."

January waited for this to fully settle. Her mind wanted her to know he had said something really, really important. Finally she figured out what it was.

"You'll give me the treasure room?! The, TREASURE room?!"

"You'll probably find some of the silks are more comfy than the piles of gold."

January paused once more.

"I don't think that replaces the loss of my life, and my body..."

The keeper tutted.

"Are you still being truthful?"

January turned around and walked away. Then turned back, her fleshless smile quite genuine.

"Yeah, okay. I was lying!"

* * * * * * * * * *

"January... It's been a long while since I brought up children. I would also like to... help."

She responded by wrapping her arms around him and kissing tightly. Or rather, her skull clonked against his. They stood there for some moments.

"It's not the same is it... I think we need lips."

"I think we're a little tangled up. Err... yes, if you wouldn't mind unhooking your fibula."

"My what?"

"That bone there. I'll have to dismantle myself a bit... There."

"January separated from him.

"Bits of you were inside me! That felt... odd, I suppose. If I can't kiss you, how can I really show how much I want to be with you?"

Julius inclined his head to increase his smile. He exuded a sort of lewd aura.

"If we loosened those straps, we could end up getting tangled for _hours_."

They re-entered the treasury, and took their family home.

"So now what'll happen?"

"The humans will accept the monsters and live with them in peace. Or at least as much peace as there can be. Reginald escaped, and went underground, literally. I suppose he will probably accumulate some new followers. Then when we have all grown lazy, he will emerge from the darkness and everything will start all over again."

"That sounds like a full circle. Makes you wonder if it's happened before."

"I daresay."

"You said that with a lot of conviction..."

January paused.

"How long have you been a skeleton for?"

"Me? About, say, three full circles."

* * * * * * * * * *

Dungeon Keeper 3

Now in Four Dimensions!

Play an evil king of the underground. As your dwarves dig out canyons and create vast rooms, your human and fairy minions to attack and enslave the good monsters above. Destroy the goodly Anarchic regime and set up your own self-serving, tyrannical feudal system. Accumulate money by forcing your peasants to pay taxes until you can amass enough of an army to destroy the goodly monsters and competitive Kings. Then take on the Outside Keeper in the World above!

By Hedonism